My Story, Part Third. What It's Like Now?

If you haven't already, would you please read My Story— What I used to be like... and My Story, Part Two. What happened? down below first. You'll understand way better what's going on in this post after you do. Use the links to get there from here.

So, My Story, Part Three. What It's Like Now? Which means what I'M like now ('cept that seems so arrogant and self-something, I chose to write "It's" instead.)

I honestly don't know where to start... Oh. Sure (I keep forgetting <smile>), I'm sober.

Really. When I count my blessings (instead of sheep) I frequently forget "sober." I'm thinking that's because not drinking nor wanting to is such a "done deal" for me today that I gloss over it. That in itself is a red flag, so... I'll look closer. (I've never been good at accepting acknowledgment, especially mine of me.)

Four months-plus. As of this moment's writing,133 days, 10 hours, 28 minutes, 8 seconds. No kidding, there's a "sobriety calculator" on ukjohnd.com. Amazing! <smile>

In a nutshell (that it is way to BIG to fit), the shortest & most honest self-assessment I can offer would be, Tous les jours à tous points de vue je vais de mieux en mieux. That's Émile Coué's wonderful mantra... 

"Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better."

It's true. I am. Well, almost every day & way.

There are times when it's more accurate to say "every other day" or in "every other way." But for the most part the remark is accurate. And please understand this comes from a false-self quite well-schooled in beating the hell out of John Milton just for sport. The list of miracles grows.

Every aspect of my inner & outer life is improving in a visible & tangible way... save one— and I am NOT going to give voice (nor fingers on these keys) to mentioning that, because the thing I am most aware of now is that JOB #1 for me is to Manage My Thinking, Speaking & Listening. And THAT is the hardest challenge I'm facing at present.

It was my out-of-control mind that made my life unmanageable and seduced, then bullied, me into alcoholism in the first, second and 187th place. That mind-of-mine still exists. I call it the "mind field," 'cause I step on exploding thoughts daily.

This is, I am aware, both a problem and an opportunnity. However me being my self (as in false-self), my emphasis is still more often on the problem.

My mental gravity pulls me down into a habitual focus on "What's wrong?" Nothing new. That's a lifetime deal for me. What is new however, is the alive-and-well commitment to change that for the better forever AND what's even more valuable is the Belief— incrementally transcending into Faith— that it's actually possible. 

Catalogue of Ships (like the Iliad <smile>)
My days of sobriety... the transformation of my body from fat to fit... the increasing alacrity with which I remember to "Judge not" (not even thinking "least I be") in the moment... the growing willingness & ability to let go and let GOD... the creeping (as in slowly & deliberately moving upwards) reality that I AM a son of GOD... and we are ALL GOD's children and therefore both human & spiritual brothers and sisters of One Infinite Family... and that Jesus Christ IS my brother and yours (just a tad radical for a devout non-Christian such as I have been)... and that my "Though For the Day" Everyday (and every minute I'm aware enough to remember) is:

"THY WILL not my will be done... 

I'm pausing, amazed that I can be so out-of-breath from just writing the list of those things.

Yeah, well... it's like that these days.

There ARE some rough spots. 

I wake up foggy as well as Foggy <smile>. Mentally, I actually & frequently feel a bit hung-over (which considering how long it's been since I've had a drink... mystifies me). Perhaps I did hangover for so long it's a biological part of me. I trust/hope that's a temporary phenom. I also have a great deal of trouble staying focused— again, mentally. My mind jumps from this thought to that to this to...

This butterfly thinking shows itself blatantly in prayer. I often struggle to keep focused on the specific words of the Lord's Prayer— and their meaning— without my mind flying off with some new thought like a promiscuous new divorcée (or however the male of that species is spelled) at a singles bar. 

Being so frequently distracted is driving me to distraction. I'd give that another <smile> but it's actually painful & I pary it stops soon.

My writing is the best it's been in years. Still self-indulgent (which since you've read this far comes as no surprise to you <smile>).

The Greatest Networker in the World was written in 1992 this month. Although I was drinking then, I wasn't yet the card-carrying drunk I became. So, what I'm writing now is some of the first sober stuff I've done in 20 years.

My career/business is quite UNtogether. I'm not really sure what is best for me to be doing— outside of cleaning up a very dirty past. I have a number of HUGE writing commitments to keep & amends to make to too many for taking so over-long on projects I've already been paid for. Facing those broken promises & procrastinations is a lot like looking up the trail to the top of Kilimanjaro and realizing I have a cast on both legs.

Deep breath. Nike! (Just do it!) I know. I know.

And then... there's my wife. I've known Katyusha for 15 years. We've been married for 10.

Her first night in the United States I took her to dinner at Windows on the World on the 107th floor of the North Tower of the World Trade Center. We stayed in a suite at the Waldorf. I had enough success & money to play the "big shot," so I did. When we were together, we traveled together to a number of sexy & exotic places in Mexico, Hawaii, California, Arizona, Manhattan, up through New England. 

Did I mention I was married at the time? Probably not. Alcoholics do things like that.

Somewhere around 2002 was the beginning of my down-hill drinking slide in earnest (odd that one of earnest's synonyms is "sober"). So, Katyusha has had the best of me and the worst of me. No. She's never really had the best of me. 

I've been sober now for four months— as the calculator worked out, 133 days. We've been married for 3750 days. As a percentage, Katyusha has been with me not drinking & drunk for 3.5% of the time we've been married. That's a lot of dark and muddy water under the bridge. 

Do you know (I know you don't, but think about it) how many times I have driven that woman AND her child or children home drunk...? The number of angry and designed to cause pain-on-purpose words this wino wordsmith shot her with (and rarely if ever missed)...? Or how often she must have endured a wife's & woman's ultimate gift of human & spiritual intimacy with a drunkard...?

So... that one's going to take a while. And, it goes well enough. Judge not least ye be judged... Let go let GOD... being aware of playing the Mirror Game (that Katyusha reflects me back to me)... Listening without mental judging... Shutting my mouth... And as often as I can with the goal of always and in all ways Asking GOD for His Guidance, Grace, Compassion, Forgiveness, Understanding, Imagination, Wisdom, Patience, Power, Peace, Love... These are the things I practice with my wife. 

My sponsor tells me that the whole business of marriage is THE toughest part of all of your life to reconcile after you've quit drinking, because: The past is ever-present. Trust is a thing of that past. How trust-worthy was I for my wife in the past? You "see" some of the challenges.

He tells me, "Give it one full year— come hell or high-water. When you've done that, you'll know if there's a next step and what that is. Until then... Hang in." Fine advice.

So, my marriage is a drive— sometimes rush-hour others a Sunday saunter— down "Hang In There Lane," a two-way street with a very cautious speed limit as befits a well-traveled road under REconstruction. (There's that RE again <smile>.)

There will be more signs and posts to keep you posted. 

What my life is like now at Day 132 of sobriety is like building a Network Marketing business: Simple and not easy.

"Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better."

and

"THY WILL not my will be done... 

... are my two main areas of focus. 

__________________________________

Please, let me know what you think & feel in the Comments box...

Thanks.
I appreciate you!

 

 

 

Please click to bookmark and share this post with others: