Glass half empty

Today I "celebrate" five months of sobriety— 154 days, 8 hours and some number of minutes & seconds depending on how long I take to wirite this post.

To celebrate means "to mark (a significant or happy day or event), typically with a social gathering," and also "to do something enjoyable to mark such an occasion: she celebrated with a glass of champagne."

Obviously, the champagne is out <smile>. And considering how I did so love a lighter-than-air, tall, thin, stellar glass or two— or more likely bottle or three— of tiny bubbles, tasting of apples & toast, I'm surprised & encouraged that I neither miss nor want it. I remember fondly— even a bit longingly— but that's all. The ONLY desire for alcohol I have now is nostalgia— and that's NOT enough to "make" me take a drink. 

I never expected that. I thought I'd live the rest of my life wrestling myself back and away from wanting a glass of wine. It's not like that at all. My commitment to my sobriety matched with or eminating from the Grace of GOD is all she wrote. Never say never and... Today I say, "Never again."

It's the "other stuff" that's driving me crazy.

Today, what I see is my glass of life is half empty and that's all the water I've got. And it's not enough.

I'll not die of thirst today, but tomorrow or a few tomorrows from now... Highly likely.

I know there's more water in the world. The waters of life are flowing all around me. I just don't know if there's any more for me.

Given who I've been and how I have behaved... The irresponsibilities, carelessness, arrogances & ignorances I've piled one on top of the other make Everest seem an ant hill... The belligerent bastard I was and still have in full-dress uniform within me... All of that and more.

When I do the math I'm screwed. No exit. No way out, up and over the pile of shit I've errected. The quantity & quality of my wrongs is overwhelming to me. The possibility of making ammends highly unlikely. And forgiveness...? Forget it.

This, too, shall pass. That would be good.

Mama didn't say there'd be days like this— especially not days that were made to celebrate something as miraculous as five months of sobriety, but instead are wasted down in the dumps.

But then mama didn't make me an alcoholic either. I did that myself. And dealing with the negative tear my ego's on right now is something else I did and am doing myself— small self, admittedly. 

The rollercoaster of recovery. <smile>

______________________________

Please, let me know what you think & feel in the Comments box...

Thanks.
I appreciate you!

 

 

 

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Comments

[Jeremiah]

The tone of this was very dark, John. I am sorry you are going through this patch. All I can say is, the path to turning one's life around definitely runs through forgiveness; Forgiveness of oneself. And forgiveness has a toll along the road that must be paid called repentance. You can't get to one without the other. So, as long as you are truly regretful and are of the mindset that, if given the opportunity you would do it differently this time, that is true repentance and you have no more reason to heap that guilt and regret upon yourself. This should clear your conscience to be able to forgive yourself and, not take a fork in the road, but literally be lifted out of one groove in the track to the next. And this one will lead to happiness, joy, fulfillment and greatness if you so choose it. At least that's my take on it :-]

[John Fogg]

Thanks Jeremiah.

Yeah, this is a tough one. The light at the end of the tunnel looks a lot like a train < smile >. I DO know I'll get through it... just seems so very far away today.

Thanks again. Hope is a good thing. Appreciate the gift.

And you...

[Scottmac1]

There are no shortcuts... And, feeling overwhelmed is very common in early sobriety. The fella I did my "90 in 90" with died alone in a motel room because he couldn't or wouldn't face the wreckage of his past (My dad died alone in a dark, dingy room over a bar).

So, stop taking yourself so seriously... Although taking oneself seriously is also very common in early sobriety...

I was told early sobriety is 5 years... enjoy

[John Fogg]

Would have enjoyed hearing something LESS than f years Scott and... it is what it is. Thanks.

[Scottmac1]

I thought I would have all the great mysteries of life solved by seven years sober... for me, "relearning" how to live has been a long, slow and painful journey... worth every minute...God bless

[Dale Calvert]

John, all any of us can do is live, learn, and move forward. We can all make today the best it can be. We can treat people the way we want to be treated ... Today.

Babe Ruth struck out more than any baseball player to ever play the game, but what is he remembered for?

Make the most of every single day. We have all made mistakes, life is a journey.

Your friend

Dale Calvert

PS John Fogg ? "Author of the Greatest Networker in the World"