My Story— What I used to be like...

As I wrote in the recent post How It Works, it's time to tell my story. The format is taken from this line from Chapter 5 of the Big Book: "Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now."

This is my second shot at this (more accurately my seventh or 10th <smile>). First ones were waaayyyy, too, long and detailed. The writer editing his own is not the best of worlds. It is my world at present, so... Here goes...

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Best to start with some fun, so...

"My mother made me an alcoholic."

The great rejoinder:

"If I give her the yarn, will she make me one, too?"

It took decades to become a 5th-degree black-belt alcoholic. I mastered it the way most anyone masters anything— be it a music or marriage, bee-keeping or business.

"How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" The out-of-towner wanting directions asked the New Yorker.

"Practice. Practice. Practice."

That's how I mastered being an alcoholic.

My "Art of Alcoholism" evolved over a span of 40-plus years.

My father, Stewart Kirby Fogg, was an alcoholic. It killed him— half of him. Cigarettes and emphysema did the other 50%. His brother Jack, Dr. John M. (as in Milton) Fogg Jr., was a drinker well. Killed him, too, as I understand. Jack was a charmer when drinking. My dad was not.

My father was a drunk and... I hated him for it— more for who he became when he drank. To this day, I cannot stand the smell of rye or any other "dark" whisky. It reminds.

So does it makes sense that I would become an alcoholic-smoker like my dad?

Insanity.

I began my alcoholic career as a nervous novice at college "beer blasts." I quickly learned from the "pros" to eschew the piddling paper cups and show up with a 60 oz. plastic pitcher. Although I wasn't much for dancing— way too inhibited, uncordinated, fat & white <smile>— I did quickly learn the twists & turns, steps & staggers of an under-age, falling-down drunk.

I had to learn to "like" the taste of beer, but I trained well and hard. The taste never was the thing for me. The high was. The higher the high the better.

Although I had more than my share of memorable drunkathons, I (by the Grace of GOD) managed to stay out of jail and away from harming others— life & limb speaking. Psychologically & spiritually... That's another matter.

Most of my adult life I was a weekend alcoholic. Until I spent a ridiculous summer between houses. My wife and kids were living out of a Subaru station wagon on the road crashing with this friend and that relative while I was bedded down in a beach town on Long Island developing a personal growth course (boggie-boarding and weight-lifting) with my then best friend and drinking more beer than... Well, we took our empty cans back to recycle in green lawn trash bags. Three times a week. Minimum. Our motto was simple:

24 hours in a day.
24 cans in a case of beer.
Coincidence?
No way! 

Once there— consumption wise— I pretty much gravitated back to that bottle- and can-point-average whenever the circumstances permitted.

In the 90s, I became increasingly successful. A well-known author in my field, with (not one but two) million-selling books, and a few dozen others-for-others under my belt— what Social media now calls "an authority figure." The financial success, coupled with speaking gigs around the world, afforded me the expanding resources to upgrade from beer to wine. I became both a fan and a fanatic.

My recovery program's first step reads: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable." I knew I was "probably" an alcoholic (and honestly didn't mind saying so), and all superficial evidences— million-dollar home, 1983 Steinway, Mercedes & Rolex, etceteras— to the contrary... I know "undoubtedly" my life was becoming unmanageable. Very.

Ignoring my intuition in favor of my ego's false courage & judgment, I took on new business partners— for the wrong reasons, and as the 80's cop shows were fond of saying, "They were wrong." Perpetrators indeed and in deed, and criminal in fact, as it turned out. They bankrupted the company we took 10 years to build in less than three.

It's taken me a full decade to admit how devastated I was by the loss of my business. It was my adult life's work— and I was my work. In many ways, I still am.

That was the beginning of my end. Everything save my wine consumption went downhill from there. My self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect— admittedly my lower, false-self, but at the time the only self I was aware I had or was— was ground into the dirt (even though it would take 10 years until I realized it was my own jackboots doing the grinding).

In the interim I managed to drive two women crazy, alienate and abuse the spirits of four remarkable & precious children, get so far in debt I may never see the light of one day's credit again, and pile up a mountain of personal & professional garbage that would make New York City's sanitation department declare its removal impossible.

You may say I'm being too hard on myself. Thanks. I appreciate that. And, I disagree.

My final year-ish of alcoholism (2011 and the first three months of 2012) was a confluence of rivers flowing straight to hell. Again, I missed jail (so far...) and taking a life or lives— including my wife & kids— while driving drunk (unforgivable, truly), but all else— my relationships, finances, career, personal & professional commitments, health, emotional stability, mental clarity... you name it, I blew it all.

Of course there's more. As my Big Book instructs I need to "disclose in a general way what I and my life used to be like." I've done that. With very little between-the-lines effort you can probably fill in lots of blanks.

I've naught to hide. It's part of my program of recovery that I explore & expose all I need to make amends to others for with the only caveat being: "...except when to do so would injure them or others."

Well, I'm suppose I'm supposed to feel better now. I'll try. And screw Yoda. I will TRY. Best I can do now.

Next stop on the Recovery Unlimited, "What happened?" that had me stop drinking and begin to recover & reinvent myself.

Short (and only possible) answer: A miracle.

Until then.

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Please, let me know what you think & feel in the Comments box...

Thanks.
I appreciate you!

 

 

 

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Comments

[Jane]

John, I'm curious what your sponsor has to say about your decision to violate the 11th tradition. It exists for a reason, and early sobriety seems like a poor time to decide it isn't useful. I know that "technically" your blog isn't press -- but it is publicity at that level. I am a fellow member of this program, and I have at times wanted to do what you are doing -- yet later I was very glad (for multiple reasons) that I did not. There are layers to recovery that you will continue to learn about, and this looks like a lot of ego to me.

[John Fogg]

Jane— I appreciate your comment & concerns.

I don't mention the name of the program on purpose. I was advised to say things like "the Program... Program of recovery... 12-Steps... Fellowship..." etceteras. So, that's what I do. Sadly the powers that were titled the book what became the very name of the fellowship. Makes it messy

One mistake I now realize I've made is a tag with two As. I'm not all that savvy about tag-like things, so I delete that one.

As for myself, I not only don't care who knows I am an alcoholic and in the process of recovery... it serves many people to know that.

Regarding "...this looks like a lot of ego to me." I doubt it, and I'll take another look. It's ALWAYS worth doing that.

Thanks again.
I appreciate you.

[Jane]

Hi John,

So, it may or may not "serve many people" to know that you are in recovery. You won't ever get to know that for a fact. You might not say the name of the program, but anyone with half a brain and access to Google can figure it out. So you are representing yourself as a "face" of what recovery in that program looks like. It may benefit some, and it may alienate others. It may later alienate those who initially benefited. You just never know. The alienation part is the reason why the 11th Tradition exists.

I really am curious what your sponsor has suggested about these postings. If you are sponsoring yourself, then you may have a ways to go in practicing the principles of that book. There are a lot of old ideas in early sobriety that we don't even know we have, and as a result we make mistakes and do things that we think are right but later realize were a piss-poor idea. Keep an open mind, talk to other alcoholics, and explore why you think the 11th tradition exists -- and why you think it doesn't apply to you. Because that is what your posts imply.

[John Fogg]

Jane, under the heading of "just so you know."

First, (again) a sincere thanks for your comments & concerns. I read them and reflect upon them and ask others for their perspective. And have spoken with my sponsor on the matter today.

I have been a very public person (in my pond) for 25 years. I keep the Tradition as best I know how (and have made a number of adjustments so far) and I am open to improving. AND, I have the right and will exercise same to be as open with my journey of recovery & reinvention as I choose.

Like all else, the traditions are open to interpretation. As Dr. Bob pointed out, we can breach the 11th by going over it or under it.

I AM the face of MY recovery. Not yours. Not the fellowships. Mine.

AND, I have known, intellectually, the value of being open for years. The Program has helped me live that beyond my rational/analytical mind— and my lower/false-self.

Not perfection. Just progress.

Again, thanks.
I appreciate you and your comments.

[Dazzling Dolly Lutz]

Hi, John,
What a great name for an anonymous program. :>) You would not remember me, but I met you a couple of times, at MLM events many (14) years ago. I valued you and your books very very much.......but being in recovery myself for 24 years....even then I saw and heard things that made me suspect we might have the disease in common......I'm also on your email list.....and did find it odd that you kind of dropped off the face of the earth the last couple of months.

NOW I understand why.....was I ever stunned to receive an email starting with, HI, I'm John, and I'm an Alcoholic. It absolutely shocked me......at first...and then as I read your letter, tears came to my eyes as the full realization of what you've been living like and what you and your family have been through. Even without the details on this Blog......I KNOW what it is like to go from darkness to recovery and re-invention.

Yes, I do believe you are blatantly breaking Tradition 11......and as Jane said, you might do things differently the longer you are sober......but I for one am very glad you are being so gut-level honest about things. YOU may or not help a lot of hurting people out there.
I almost did what you are doing.....but my Sponsor and my God..through prayer, cautioned me against it....I don't believe it is EGO that is driving you......you've always been a giver/teacher/mentor to thousands of others and now you want to share your experience, strength and hope with those who may need to hear it.

Maybe it was a bit too strong..."in your face"....the way you outed yourself....but I pray that much good comes of it.

I actually feel closer than ever to you now......though we don't really know each other...and you and family will be in my prayers......
It takes a great deal of courage to admit our faults and failings.....especially in such a public way.
It also takes a great deal of courage to seek help...even to admit we need it. But that is the true humility that God is looking for.......there are millions of hurting Alcoholic/Co-Dependent people still trying to do it on there own....and many of them will die. Some of my family members have and some of my closest friends have.

I pray your being so candid will be a blessing to so many....
I for one will be sharing your Blog with others....
I have a Blog, but I've been too "chicken" to be more honest about my personal struggle....and NOW I am going to change all that...very soon.
Thank you and Blessings Always,
Your new "sister", Dazzling Dolly