The unmanageable part

When I finally gulped up— rather than down as I had been doing with glass after bottle of wine— the courage to walk into an my first 12-Step meeting, I went NOT to stop drinking. I'd already done that. Had my last glass of wine at Anais' 6th BirthDay party dinner at Mas. I went to the meeting the next night to stay stopped. That's what I was there for. That's what I thought was therefore. 

I was soon to learn there was more. 

The first step reads:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—
    that our lives had become unmanageable.

I wasn't certain I was powerless over alcohol. At the time, that didn't matter really. My life had become unmanageable and I knew drinking the way I was I was going down one bottle at a time, because it wasn't ONE bottle at a time anymore. And it would only be a matter of some number of more times like those before I lost everything— wife, family, health, career, sanity (what bit of it I had left). 

So I dove into the "Big Book" and started going to meetings.

I'd planned on three or so a week, but soon was going daily. And I wasn't going to stay stopped. Then and now, that's not an issue. I don't drink. I'm an alcoholic. I can't. But that's just the tip of the iceberg.  

The rest of that icy, erie, obviously frozen-blue is the unmanageable part. My mind, heart & soul. Stayng sober is that bit above the water. Mental, emotional and spiritual sobriety... that's all the rest below. Below, as in within. 

My life has been unmanageable for years. Decades actually.

And when I quit drinking, and admited I was powerless over alcohol, I sooner than later realized I was powerless over my self. That's WHY I drank. To anesthetize. To "deprive of feeling or awareness" that part of me that no longer feels or is aware. My self. My small, false self.

Now what do I do? Can't drink. That doesn't work. Did once... until it didn't anymore.

What I can do is to go to work on my self. My true self.

It didn't take long to realize that all my work would be for naught unless & until I could hook up with a power greater than that sober self I'm left with. That "false self" that got me into all of that & this trouble to begin with.

Now that becomes the work. Hi ho...

 

______________________________

Thanks.
I appreciate you.

 

 

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